Ugh.

So I've been thinking. I'm coming to a point in my career and my life where I'm going to have to be making some pretty big decisions. Heretofore, I've been relatively comfortable making these decisions because they have to do with my career--what specialty to go into, where to apply, where to interview, etc. There's a natural progression and a logical order to things. But recently I've felt an underlying unease that I haven't confronted. I'm conflicted about the other goals in my life. All our lives, we follow this trajectory: you go to school, get good grades, go to college, pick your career, meet your life partner, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. There may be some variation, but that's what's expected out of us, and we internalize it and expect it from ourselves. I've always assumed that would be my course and that I really did want those things. But now I'm not so sure, and that terrifies me.

I feel as though I've let myself fall into a mind-set in which I plan things around other people, specifically romantic relationships. I've been doing this in some way for a very long time, because I've pretty much always been in a romantic relationship. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but I am cautious about finding myself feeling resentful down the line for always planning my next move based on another person. Here's where it gets tricky, though. I truly derive a lot of pleasure out of serving others; that's why I am going into my chosen field, among other things. I'm also quite adaptable and can fit into many situations, and I try to provide what the situation calls for. So if I don't have an alternative plan, I'm often happy and comfortable fitting in to someone else's plan because a) it makes them happy, which makes me happy, and b) I'm flexible. Then I begin to feel this self-directed resentment because I never sat down and listened to myself and forced myself to consider what I want--it's easier to just go with the flow. It's a lot harder to challenge yourself and ask questions and identify what it is that you really need and want.

I don't have something that I would rather be doing instead of staying in my relationship and matching in Seattle. But I don't think that the absence of a different option should be the reason that you do anything, and I am afraid that I am coming to resent my relationship because I haven't let myself choose what I want and I frankly have lost touch with what that is. I don't know if it's the pressure cooker of medical school, getting older, or the fact that I have a significant transition in my near future, but I feel like it's time for me to check in with myself.

I haven't felt this way since I before I started med school. I did a lot of work trying to figure things out (some of it the hard way) during my last year of college and when I was working, and I made strides. Medical school broke a lot of that down and challenged me in completely new ways. I struggled with my depression and that felt like a failure because I thought that I had gotten a good hold on how to deal with it. Then I struggled with actual failure and self-doubt and that also felt like a set-back because I had done so much work on building myself up before I started med school and had so much confidence in myself before I went in.

I haven't had the time or emotional energy to confront these feelings in a significant way until now, and it's not exactly a great time for it, but when is it ever a good time? It got to be too heavy to ignore and I needed to put it down. I may have irreparably damaged my relationship. I am aiming for honesty and authenticity, and to break this cycle of planning my life for other people. I am going to try counseling and maybe that'll get me headed in the right direction. I hope I find what I need.

Reasons

So I've decided not to let this beat me. I don't really believe in God, per se, but I do think that things happen for a reason. I don't mean that fate or destiny or some invisible hand guides our every action; I think of it more as finding your own meaning in the events of your life. Things don't just happen to you--that's a victim mentality. Yes, sometimes shit happens, but shit happens to everyone and if we all just laid down and said, "Poor me," then nothing would get done. And really, in the grand scheme, how much of that shit is just minor details anyway?

Before I took the test, I was freaking out at my parents' house. My mom sat me down and said, "What's the worst that can happen? You fail, right?"

"No, actually," I said, "the worst thing that could happen is that I barely pass. Then I can't retake the test, so I'm stuck with my shitty score."

And what happened? I missed barely passing, I missed the worst outcome by one point. That means that I'm not stuck with that score, that I have a second chance to fix it and really blow the test away. If that isn't a reason to kick some serious ass this time around, I don't know what is. I'm taking it as a sign that I can do better, and I know I can.

So yesterday I went to financial aid and figured out how to pay for the remedial course that I decided to take after talking to the learning counselor person (who, by the way, is an angel) for 45 minutes. I went over to my parents' house and told them the news and what I intended to do about it. They were surprisingly supportive and very pro-active, basically saying that shit happens. And my mom told me that she failed her pharmacology boards the first time she took them. I guess we're more alike than I thought.

I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday, and I'm going to tell her that I'm leaving for Illinois in May to go to studying boot camp. I hope she'll see that I'm taking this second chance for all it's worth. It'll be a month of non-stop lectures, tutoring, and studying that I have to pay a pretty hefty amount for, but it's supposedly the best program, and I guess now I've got something to prove.

First Post

So...
I've given in to the cyber-demons. I have always thought that blogs were ridiculous; venues for the self-absorbed and under-noticed to vent their little grievances and feel vindicated. I guess I've joined their ranks.

I've been inspired (you could call it) by two of my fave bloggers (found here and here), both of whom are strong women and have been through a lot, emerging with writing skills and humor intact.

I definitely don't claim to have seen a fraction of the hardship either of the two above ladies have experienced; in fact, my life has been damn near a cake-walk compared to the amazing stories of V and W. However, I've always loved to write and I've been woefully negligent to my hand-written journal lately, so I thought that I might try dragging myself into the 21st century.

That said, I was wondering tonight as I washed dishes and stared vacantly across the "Central-American ghetto-esque" landscape that stretches outside my apartment if anyone else I knew was, at this moment, screaming in anguish at their test scores. I imagined the cut scenes, rapidly flashing from one cramped apartment to the next, focused on the gaping mouths of my colleagues as they read their cruel results on impersonal monitor screens across the city. Surely I wasn't alone in my agony? I didn't wish failure on anyone, not even the smug, too-cool-for-school assholes that sat in the back and smirked at the profs, but surely I couldn't be the only one who failed, right? And what do I do now?

I'm in the 99th percentile of failing. It's a "High Fail." That's like winning first prize in the shit-eating contest. And all because of one measly point.