Ugh.

So I've been thinking. I'm coming to a point in my career and my life where I'm going to have to be making some pretty big decisions. Heretofore, I've been relatively comfortable making these decisions because they have to do with my career--what specialty to go into, where to apply, where to interview, etc. There's a natural progression and a logical order to things. But recently I've felt an underlying unease that I haven't confronted. I'm conflicted about the other goals in my life. All our lives, we follow this trajectory: you go to school, get good grades, go to college, pick your career, meet your life partner, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. There may be some variation, but that's what's expected out of us, and we internalize it and expect it from ourselves. I've always assumed that would be my course and that I really did want those things. But now I'm not so sure, and that terrifies me.

I feel as though I've let myself fall into a mind-set in which I plan things around other people, specifically romantic relationships. I've been doing this in some way for a very long time, because I've pretty much always been in a romantic relationship. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but I am cautious about finding myself feeling resentful down the line for always planning my next move based on another person. Here's where it gets tricky, though. I truly derive a lot of pleasure out of serving others; that's why I am going into my chosen field, among other things. I'm also quite adaptable and can fit into many situations, and I try to provide what the situation calls for. So if I don't have an alternative plan, I'm often happy and comfortable fitting in to someone else's plan because a) it makes them happy, which makes me happy, and b) I'm flexible. Then I begin to feel this self-directed resentment because I never sat down and listened to myself and forced myself to consider what I want--it's easier to just go with the flow. It's a lot harder to challenge yourself and ask questions and identify what it is that you really need and want.

I don't have something that I would rather be doing instead of staying in my relationship and matching in Seattle. But I don't think that the absence of a different option should be the reason that you do anything, and I am afraid that I am coming to resent my relationship because I haven't let myself choose what I want and I frankly have lost touch with what that is. I don't know if it's the pressure cooker of medical school, getting older, or the fact that I have a significant transition in my near future, but I feel like it's time for me to check in with myself.

I haven't felt this way since I before I started med school. I did a lot of work trying to figure things out (some of it the hard way) during my last year of college and when I was working, and I made strides. Medical school broke a lot of that down and challenged me in completely new ways. I struggled with my depression and that felt like a failure because I thought that I had gotten a good hold on how to deal with it. Then I struggled with actual failure and self-doubt and that also felt like a set-back because I had done so much work on building myself up before I started med school and had so much confidence in myself before I went in.

I haven't had the time or emotional energy to confront these feelings in a significant way until now, and it's not exactly a great time for it, but when is it ever a good time? It got to be too heavy to ignore and I needed to put it down. I may have irreparably damaged my relationship. I am aiming for honesty and authenticity, and to break this cycle of planning my life for other people. I am going to try counseling and maybe that'll get me headed in the right direction. I hope I find what I need.

Just an update

Hello inter webs...it's been a while, hasn't it?

Just to get you up to speed, since it's been 6 or 7 mos...I'm back in the great (rainy) NW at the moment with the boy. I'm taking step 2 of the boards relatively soon (as in 6 days, eek!). Then it's off to externships, which is fancy doctor-speak for away rotations at other hospitals. I'm hoping I impress the peeps out here so they'll give me a job as a resident and pay me peanuts to do slave labor for them for the next 3 years. Do you know of any other job that has an 80 hr work week restriction? As in, "You absolutely can NOT work more than 80 hours a week or we get in trouble for working you too hard?" The craziest part is that plenty of residents fudge their hours to look like they work less than they do. We're gluttons for punishment. I don't even want to tell you how little residents get paid; the sad fact is that I'll have my doctorate and I'll be getting less per year than my engineer friend with just his bachelor's degree.

Yes, I knew all of this going in. Yes, it's what everyone has to go through. But what fun is it if I can't whine about it? *wink*

I'm getting to the point where I feel like a real doctor every once in a while...it's a little scary. I hope I'll have some good stories to share soon. In the meantime, I'm off to brave the rain and study!

Belated Done with Surgery Post

Surgery Rotation Billing Sheet:

1 cute blue scrub hat with cute blue flowers.....$12
My favorite travel coffee mug.....$10
Losing any and all desire to become a surgeon.....Priceless.

This is my life.

I got home early at 3:30 today because lecture which was supposed to go until 5 was canceled. I checked some emails and stuff, and thought I'd take a nap--4:30 to 6, say, then actually use my suddenly free afternoon to go to the gym, cook some dinner for once, and study.

When my phone rang, I sat up in bed totally disoriented and flailing. The boy was calling me; I couldn't make the time out on the phone very well. "Hello?"
"Hi hon, what are you doing?"
"I was asleep...what time is it?"
"It's about 10, your time."

Wha what? Yes folks, I came home and took a 6 hour nap without missing a beat. And what now? Well, I've prepared both my lunch and dinner for tomorrow because I will be spending all day at the hospital (literally--6 am to 7 or 8 pm), prepped the coffee maker to make life-sustaining brew at 4:25 am, and tried to forget that I'm actually paying for the privilege to do this. I'm not actually trying to complain; I'm just marveling at how weird my life has become. Off to bed for the second time tonight!

When I Grow Up...

I can't count the number of times I've been asked, "So what kind of doctor do you want to be?" My trite response is "A good one," but I do wonder where I will find my medical niche. I used to think that it was Family Medicine all the way, but a few experiences I've had in the past days made me question my determination.

I was watching a resident perform a tracheostomy procedure last week and I realized that I felt...impatient. Heretofore, I've watched procedures and simply thanked the powers above that I wasn't the one in the hot seat--the one with the responsibility on their shoulders. This time, however, I felt as though I wanted to get my hands dirty, that I could do as good of a job or even better than the resident. A small revelation, perhaps, but still one of note.

This made me think: I'm a doer, not a watcher. I like to take action, to learn in a hands-on way. And I'd like to do procedures in my practice. There are really wonderful things about FM, but procedure-driven practice is not one of them, not unless you're in a rural area where you're actually an ER doc and pediatrician as much as you're a family doc. So maybe laid-back Family isn't for me, after all...we'll have to see.

I'll take it!

I got my score last night...I PASSED! I didn't do super-fabulously, but I did manage to add almost 30 points to my score. And hey, I'll take it.

Arrrrrrgh!

When you read the title, think "Peanuts," as in Lucy and Charlie Brown. That's kinda how I feel: "Good grief!"

I was up at 5 today so my jangling nerves will (I hope) let me rest tonight, because tomorrow is...*dun dun dun* TEST DAY.

I know that I cannot possibly know everything. I know that everyone says not to study the day before. But they also say to make sure you listen to yourself and do things that will help ease your anxiety and frankly, not studying the day before an important test would make me bonkers. I'm definitely not going to put in a full 8 hours at the library or anything nutty, but I do not have the cojones to ignore the books all together today.

That said, I am definitely over-caffeinated at this point and can barely stop jittering long enough to type this, much less to read a pharmacology book. So I'm off to go do...something. Think good thoughts for me!

Wherein I count down to the test

On Friday, I am going to be 24 years old. I know, I'm a fetus. I don't feel particularly young, but I suppose I don't really know what it is like to be older, either.

Ah, Friday the 13th. I "rebelliously" (I know, I live on the edge) embraced the number 13 as a kid because it is my birth date, after all. Even better was my "golden birthday," when you turn the same age your birth date. On what day of the week do you think my 13 fell? That's right, Friday--I turned 13 on Friday the 13th. Oooh, spooky!

Anyway, my birthday (Friday the 13th this year, again) is not really the issue at hand. Because I am essentially a masochist (all medical students are--we turn to sadism later), I scheduled my step exam for that day. So it's T-minus 3 days and counting. I'm afraid. And I want to get it over with. And I want to be able to study more, although not really. What I really want is to go on vacation.

PS I've stopped hiding and I'm just telling people (if it comes up) that I'm retaking the boards. It actually is quite liberating.

We are all crazy, it's true

It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon here. There's not a cloud in sight; the birds are chirping, a gentle breeze is blowing in from the south. Sane people are spending this gorgeous gift of a day out in their gardens, playing with their kids/dogs/significant others in the park, and riding their bikes on the many mountain trails just outside of town.

And me? I'm in the library. There's a great big bank of windows just to my right out which I can admire the profile of the mountains to the east and imagine what that breeze that ruffles the leaves out there must feel like. I've been at the library every day for the past 6 and I'll be here every day until test day, but the thing that gets me is that I'm not the only one! Yes, indeed, the library is actually more populated with people from my medical school class today then it has been since Monday. I always knew that med students were a special brand of crazy, but seriously, this is a new level of proof.

hee haw

I'm feeling like a real jackass right now--guess who forgot about their online test? Why oh why am I so irresponsible? Think I'll go read about genocide in Rwanda.

First Day

Today was my first day of school. Last night, I lay in bed for hours jealously listening to the boy's even breathing and nocturnal chewing (he's the only person I know who chews in his sleep). I stared at the ceiling and wondered what today would feel like. I swear I barely blinked and the alarm went off.

And I went to school. It wasn't so bad, although predictably I showed up in the middle of a lecture and didn't have a clue what was going on. I steeled myself for the inquiries and I had already crafted a not-lying-but-still-not-admitting-I-failed response to "How did the boards go?" (answer: "I didn't do as well as I wanted to"), but a few people threw me a curveball I didn't anticipate.

See, our rotation schedules are posted. For medical students, schedules are everything. Well, grades and scores are everything, but schedules take a close second. We want to know what is going to happen and when, and we'll bitch up a storm if you don't tell us in a timely manner. The fun of asking people what their rotation schedule looks like lies in identifying who you'll be thrown into the scut with, who you'll be paired with on-call, and basically who in your class you'll be getting to know a LOT better for the next 16 weeks, if not the entire year. Also, there's the added fun of bitching about how hard X rotation is or how crazy Dr. So-and-so is. (In case you hadn't figured it out, medical students LOVE to bitch.)

I wasn't prepared for the "what service are you on?" wrinkle. I'm caught up in this dilemma because I don't want to outright lie but I also don't want to tell just anyone (and therefore, everyone--medical students also LOVE to gossip) that I failed. I could just tell them what my first rotation is and omit the start date (August, not April like everyone else), but what if they have that rotation in April? Then they'll be excited and want to talk about it, and I'll feel like a total liar and my guilt will probably get the better of me and I'll end up telling them anyway. That might not be too bad especially on a one-on-one basis, but today a guy asked me in front of four other people (that I don't know particularly well) what my first rotation was. I lied. I said I didn't know yet. And then I secretly resented him a little for being so cavalier with his question.

Somehow, I think this feels like being in the closet. I KNOW it's not nearly the same level of life-impacting, relationship-altering, reality-shattering truth as figuring out that you're homosexual must be, but I can kind of understand getting rankled at others' assumptions of your status. "Oh, are you married? What does your husband do?" must be an aggravating set of questions for a lesbian. It's almost worse when you know that people aren't trying to be insensitive; they're just ignorant, and you can't really blame them.