OMG

So...


I'm in Seattle. I've matched. I'm an intern. No, it's not like Grey's Anatomy--I'm not nearly that pretty, that melodramatic (most of the time), or that over-sexed (unfortunately). Nor do I have the time or patience to put makeup on and do my hair when I am supposedly on call.

And I am stressed. I am tired. No, I'm exhausted. And I've been casting around for answers and trying to figure things out, asking myself the big questions. I may have freaked out a few times. I may have freaked out 10 times. I may have run home to my family in desert-land when it got really tough, and they may have welcomed me home, arms open, no questions asked.

I don't have all the answers. I am trying as hard as I can to do the best I can for my patients. I am succeeding sometimes. I am trying not to take it too personally when I am criticized because I know I can always always learn and improve. These things are hard for me.

One of the hardest things, though, is that I hurt someone very dear to me. I have thought a lot about this over the past 9 months, and gods do I regret it. Here's the thing, though--I did go home to desert land, and I did see my family, and I realized that he is an essential part of it.

Originally I wrote something to him here, but I think I should tell it to him instead. Y'all will just have to stay tuned. Wish me luck. ;-)

Ugh.

So I've been thinking. I'm coming to a point in my career and my life where I'm going to have to be making some pretty big decisions. Heretofore, I've been relatively comfortable making these decisions because they have to do with my career--what specialty to go into, where to apply, where to interview, etc. There's a natural progression and a logical order to things. But recently I've felt an underlying unease that I haven't confronted. I'm conflicted about the other goals in my life. All our lives, we follow this trajectory: you go to school, get good grades, go to college, pick your career, meet your life partner, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. There may be some variation, but that's what's expected out of us, and we internalize it and expect it from ourselves. I've always assumed that would be my course and that I really did want those things. But now I'm not so sure, and that terrifies me.

I feel as though I've let myself fall into a mind-set in which I plan things around other people, specifically romantic relationships. I've been doing this in some way for a very long time, because I've pretty much always been in a romantic relationship. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but I am cautious about finding myself feeling resentful down the line for always planning my next move based on another person. Here's where it gets tricky, though. I truly derive a lot of pleasure out of serving others; that's why I am going into my chosen field, among other things. I'm also quite adaptable and can fit into many situations, and I try to provide what the situation calls for. So if I don't have an alternative plan, I'm often happy and comfortable fitting in to someone else's plan because a) it makes them happy, which makes me happy, and b) I'm flexible. Then I begin to feel this self-directed resentment because I never sat down and listened to myself and forced myself to consider what I want--it's easier to just go with the flow. It's a lot harder to challenge yourself and ask questions and identify what it is that you really need and want.

I don't have something that I would rather be doing instead of staying in my relationship and matching in Seattle. But I don't think that the absence of a different option should be the reason that you do anything, and I am afraid that I am coming to resent my relationship because I haven't let myself choose what I want and I frankly have lost touch with what that is. I don't know if it's the pressure cooker of medical school, getting older, or the fact that I have a significant transition in my near future, but I feel like it's time for me to check in with myself.

I haven't felt this way since I before I started med school. I did a lot of work trying to figure things out (some of it the hard way) during my last year of college and when I was working, and I made strides. Medical school broke a lot of that down and challenged me in completely new ways. I struggled with my depression and that felt like a failure because I thought that I had gotten a good hold on how to deal with it. Then I struggled with actual failure and self-doubt and that also felt like a set-back because I had done so much work on building myself up before I started med school and had so much confidence in myself before I went in.

I haven't had the time or emotional energy to confront these feelings in a significant way until now, and it's not exactly a great time for it, but when is it ever a good time? It got to be too heavy to ignore and I needed to put it down. I may have irreparably damaged my relationship. I am aiming for honesty and authenticity, and to break this cycle of planning my life for other people. I am going to try counseling and maybe that'll get me headed in the right direction. I hope I find what I need.

Just an update

Hello inter webs...it's been a while, hasn't it?

Just to get you up to speed, since it's been 6 or 7 mos...I'm back in the great (rainy) NW at the moment with the boy. I'm taking step 2 of the boards relatively soon (as in 6 days, eek!). Then it's off to externships, which is fancy doctor-speak for away rotations at other hospitals. I'm hoping I impress the peeps out here so they'll give me a job as a resident and pay me peanuts to do slave labor for them for the next 3 years. Do you know of any other job that has an 80 hr work week restriction? As in, "You absolutely can NOT work more than 80 hours a week or we get in trouble for working you too hard?" The craziest part is that plenty of residents fudge their hours to look like they work less than they do. We're gluttons for punishment. I don't even want to tell you how little residents get paid; the sad fact is that I'll have my doctorate and I'll be getting less per year than my engineer friend with just his bachelor's degree.

Yes, I knew all of this going in. Yes, it's what everyone has to go through. But what fun is it if I can't whine about it? *wink*

I'm getting to the point where I feel like a real doctor every once in a while...it's a little scary. I hope I'll have some good stories to share soon. In the meantime, I'm off to brave the rain and study!