Reasons

So I've decided not to let this beat me. I don't really believe in God, per se, but I do think that things happen for a reason. I don't mean that fate or destiny or some invisible hand guides our every action; I think of it more as finding your own meaning in the events of your life. Things don't just happen to you--that's a victim mentality. Yes, sometimes shit happens, but shit happens to everyone and if we all just laid down and said, "Poor me," then nothing would get done. And really, in the grand scheme, how much of that shit is just minor details anyway?

Before I took the test, I was freaking out at my parents' house. My mom sat me down and said, "What's the worst that can happen? You fail, right?"

"No, actually," I said, "the worst thing that could happen is that I barely pass. Then I can't retake the test, so I'm stuck with my shitty score."

And what happened? I missed barely passing, I missed the worst outcome by one point. That means that I'm not stuck with that score, that I have a second chance to fix it and really blow the test away. If that isn't a reason to kick some serious ass this time around, I don't know what is. I'm taking it as a sign that I can do better, and I know I can.

So yesterday I went to financial aid and figured out how to pay for the remedial course that I decided to take after talking to the learning counselor person (who, by the way, is an angel) for 45 minutes. I went over to my parents' house and told them the news and what I intended to do about it. They were surprisingly supportive and very pro-active, basically saying that shit happens. And my mom told me that she failed her pharmacology boards the first time she took them. I guess we're more alike than I thought.

I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday, and I'm going to tell her that I'm leaving for Illinois in May to go to studying boot camp. I hope she'll see that I'm taking this second chance for all it's worth. It'll be a month of non-stop lectures, tutoring, and studying that I have to pay a pretty hefty amount for, but it's supposedly the best program, and I guess now I've got something to prove.