OMG

So...


I'm in Seattle. I've matched. I'm an intern. No, it's not like Grey's Anatomy--I'm not nearly that pretty, that melodramatic (most of the time), or that over-sexed (unfortunately). Nor do I have the time or patience to put makeup on and do my hair when I am supposedly on call.

And I am stressed. I am tired. No, I'm exhausted. And I've been casting around for answers and trying to figure things out, asking myself the big questions. I may have freaked out a few times. I may have freaked out 10 times. I may have run home to my family in desert-land when it got really tough, and they may have welcomed me home, arms open, no questions asked.

I don't have all the answers. I am trying as hard as I can to do the best I can for my patients. I am succeeding sometimes. I am trying not to take it too personally when I am criticized because I know I can always always learn and improve. These things are hard for me.

One of the hardest things, though, is that I hurt someone very dear to me. I have thought a lot about this over the past 9 months, and gods do I regret it. Here's the thing, though--I did go home to desert land, and I did see my family, and I realized that he is an essential part of it.

Originally I wrote something to him here, but I think I should tell it to him instead. Y'all will just have to stay tuned. Wish me luck. ;-)

Ugh.

So I've been thinking. I'm coming to a point in my career and my life where I'm going to have to be making some pretty big decisions. Heretofore, I've been relatively comfortable making these decisions because they have to do with my career--what specialty to go into, where to apply, where to interview, etc. There's a natural progression and a logical order to things. But recently I've felt an underlying unease that I haven't confronted. I'm conflicted about the other goals in my life. All our lives, we follow this trajectory: you go to school, get good grades, go to college, pick your career, meet your life partner, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. There may be some variation, but that's what's expected out of us, and we internalize it and expect it from ourselves. I've always assumed that would be my course and that I really did want those things. But now I'm not so sure, and that terrifies me.

I feel as though I've let myself fall into a mind-set in which I plan things around other people, specifically romantic relationships. I've been doing this in some way for a very long time, because I've pretty much always been in a romantic relationship. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but I am cautious about finding myself feeling resentful down the line for always planning my next move based on another person. Here's where it gets tricky, though. I truly derive a lot of pleasure out of serving others; that's why I am going into my chosen field, among other things. I'm also quite adaptable and can fit into many situations, and I try to provide what the situation calls for. So if I don't have an alternative plan, I'm often happy and comfortable fitting in to someone else's plan because a) it makes them happy, which makes me happy, and b) I'm flexible. Then I begin to feel this self-directed resentment because I never sat down and listened to myself and forced myself to consider what I want--it's easier to just go with the flow. It's a lot harder to challenge yourself and ask questions and identify what it is that you really need and want.

I don't have something that I would rather be doing instead of staying in my relationship and matching in Seattle. But I don't think that the absence of a different option should be the reason that you do anything, and I am afraid that I am coming to resent my relationship because I haven't let myself choose what I want and I frankly have lost touch with what that is. I don't know if it's the pressure cooker of medical school, getting older, or the fact that I have a significant transition in my near future, but I feel like it's time for me to check in with myself.

I haven't felt this way since I before I started med school. I did a lot of work trying to figure things out (some of it the hard way) during my last year of college and when I was working, and I made strides. Medical school broke a lot of that down and challenged me in completely new ways. I struggled with my depression and that felt like a failure because I thought that I had gotten a good hold on how to deal with it. Then I struggled with actual failure and self-doubt and that also felt like a set-back because I had done so much work on building myself up before I started med school and had so much confidence in myself before I went in.

I haven't had the time or emotional energy to confront these feelings in a significant way until now, and it's not exactly a great time for it, but when is it ever a good time? It got to be too heavy to ignore and I needed to put it down. I may have irreparably damaged my relationship. I am aiming for honesty and authenticity, and to break this cycle of planning my life for other people. I am going to try counseling and maybe that'll get me headed in the right direction. I hope I find what I need.

This is my life.

I got home early at 3:30 today because lecture which was supposed to go until 5 was canceled. I checked some emails and stuff, and thought I'd take a nap--4:30 to 6, say, then actually use my suddenly free afternoon to go to the gym, cook some dinner for once, and study.

When my phone rang, I sat up in bed totally disoriented and flailing. The boy was calling me; I couldn't make the time out on the phone very well. "Hello?"
"Hi hon, what are you doing?"
"I was asleep...what time is it?"
"It's about 10, your time."

Wha what? Yes folks, I came home and took a 6 hour nap without missing a beat. And what now? Well, I've prepared both my lunch and dinner for tomorrow because I will be spending all day at the hospital (literally--6 am to 7 or 8 pm), prepped the coffee maker to make life-sustaining brew at 4:25 am, and tried to forget that I'm actually paying for the privilege to do this. I'm not actually trying to complain; I'm just marveling at how weird my life has become. Off to bed for the second time tonight!