I'll take it!

I got my score last night...I PASSED! I didn't do super-fabulously, but I did manage to add almost 30 points to my score. And hey, I'll take it.

Arrrrrrgh!

When you read the title, think "Peanuts," as in Lucy and Charlie Brown. That's kinda how I feel: "Good grief!"

I was up at 5 today so my jangling nerves will (I hope) let me rest tonight, because tomorrow is...*dun dun dun* TEST DAY.

I know that I cannot possibly know everything. I know that everyone says not to study the day before. But they also say to make sure you listen to yourself and do things that will help ease your anxiety and frankly, not studying the day before an important test would make me bonkers. I'm definitely not going to put in a full 8 hours at the library or anything nutty, but I do not have the cojones to ignore the books all together today.

That said, I am definitely over-caffeinated at this point and can barely stop jittering long enough to type this, much less to read a pharmacology book. So I'm off to go do...something. Think good thoughts for me!

Wherein I count down to the test

On Friday, I am going to be 24 years old. I know, I'm a fetus. I don't feel particularly young, but I suppose I don't really know what it is like to be older, either.

Ah, Friday the 13th. I "rebelliously" (I know, I live on the edge) embraced the number 13 as a kid because it is my birth date, after all. Even better was my "golden birthday," when you turn the same age your birth date. On what day of the week do you think my 13 fell? That's right, Friday--I turned 13 on Friday the 13th. Oooh, spooky!

Anyway, my birthday (Friday the 13th this year, again) is not really the issue at hand. Because I am essentially a masochist (all medical students are--we turn to sadism later), I scheduled my step exam for that day. So it's T-minus 3 days and counting. I'm afraid. And I want to get it over with. And I want to be able to study more, although not really. What I really want is to go on vacation.

PS I've stopped hiding and I'm just telling people (if it comes up) that I'm retaking the boards. It actually is quite liberating.

Reasons

So I've decided not to let this beat me. I don't really believe in God, per se, but I do think that things happen for a reason. I don't mean that fate or destiny or some invisible hand guides our every action; I think of it more as finding your own meaning in the events of your life. Things don't just happen to you--that's a victim mentality. Yes, sometimes shit happens, but shit happens to everyone and if we all just laid down and said, "Poor me," then nothing would get done. And really, in the grand scheme, how much of that shit is just minor details anyway?

Before I took the test, I was freaking out at my parents' house. My mom sat me down and said, "What's the worst that can happen? You fail, right?"

"No, actually," I said, "the worst thing that could happen is that I barely pass. Then I can't retake the test, so I'm stuck with my shitty score."

And what happened? I missed barely passing, I missed the worst outcome by one point. That means that I'm not stuck with that score, that I have a second chance to fix it and really blow the test away. If that isn't a reason to kick some serious ass this time around, I don't know what is. I'm taking it as a sign that I can do better, and I know I can.

So yesterday I went to financial aid and figured out how to pay for the remedial course that I decided to take after talking to the learning counselor person (who, by the way, is an angel) for 45 minutes. I went over to my parents' house and told them the news and what I intended to do about it. They were surprisingly supportive and very pro-active, basically saying that shit happens. And my mom told me that she failed her pharmacology boards the first time she took them. I guess we're more alike than I thought.

I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday, and I'm going to tell her that I'm leaving for Illinois in May to go to studying boot camp. I hope she'll see that I'm taking this second chance for all it's worth. It'll be a month of non-stop lectures, tutoring, and studying that I have to pay a pretty hefty amount for, but it's supposedly the best program, and I guess now I've got something to prove.

First Post

So...
I've given in to the cyber-demons. I have always thought that blogs were ridiculous; venues for the self-absorbed and under-noticed to vent their little grievances and feel vindicated. I guess I've joined their ranks.

I've been inspired (you could call it) by two of my fave bloggers (found here and here), both of whom are strong women and have been through a lot, emerging with writing skills and humor intact.

I definitely don't claim to have seen a fraction of the hardship either of the two above ladies have experienced; in fact, my life has been damn near a cake-walk compared to the amazing stories of V and W. However, I've always loved to write and I've been woefully negligent to my hand-written journal lately, so I thought that I might try dragging myself into the 21st century.

That said, I was wondering tonight as I washed dishes and stared vacantly across the "Central-American ghetto-esque" landscape that stretches outside my apartment if anyone else I knew was, at this moment, screaming in anguish at their test scores. I imagined the cut scenes, rapidly flashing from one cramped apartment to the next, focused on the gaping mouths of my colleagues as they read their cruel results on impersonal monitor screens across the city. Surely I wasn't alone in my agony? I didn't wish failure on anyone, not even the smug, too-cool-for-school assholes that sat in the back and smirked at the profs, but surely I couldn't be the only one who failed, right? And what do I do now?

I'm in the 99th percentile of failing. It's a "High Fail." That's like winning first prize in the shit-eating contest. And all because of one measly point.